Fuck

I can't say that this time was any different.
I knew deep down and even in the hollow parts of my skin, that this time
... It would be the same.
Because guys like him,
they don't date girls like me.
The lows of my esteem always give me away.
Theres something  about my heart that seems to only like resting on my sleeve.
Mom,
I'm tired of only being good for lying with my back against wrinkled sheets,
And half the time Im not even given that luxury.
Fuck.
But my puesdo-confidence isn't strong enough to cover the scent of my bullshit.
Mom,
You told me I was worth more than this.
Were you only being a mother or were there truths in your wisdoms?
Jesus Christ!
Its not supposed to be this hard.
Not to be loved.
Not when I'm standing in the middle of the field with my palms facing forward,
and my pockets empty.
Maybe thats the problem.
Fuck.

Untitled

And she couldn’t find a word to describe it.

The pain.

She was hurting.

She could feel her heartstrings snapping at the seams from the pulling.

...And she couldn’t find one simple word to describe it.

Her pain.

The aching.

She could hear him,

Laughing louder than necessary

Fucking her harder than necessary

and being more,

…More than necessary with some other girl who wasn’t any better than her,

Or prettier

Yet who she instantly felt less than.

He knew he was breaking her down.

And she couldn’t describe it.

The missing of someone who had treated her like an unwanted toy,

Her pain.

Her never ceasing to exist pain.

Was this what drowning felt like?

She wondered if this was her karma for something she had done once upon a time in her life.

Before she moved to the city that seemed to never sleep,

And before she knew aaroz con gandules was a dish and not a word.

Fuck.

She never had a chance.

This was heartbreak.

Undeniable, and unrelenting

Heartbreak.

                                   -Shelby

Fuck

And honestly, finding a sugar daddy on Craigslist has crossed my mind quite a few times.

I’m tired of being broke,

And having someone else to foot the bill would be nice.

I’m tired.

There’s no lower feeling than having every single card you swipe decline.

I wasn’t being reckless.

Shit just kept coming up.

And now it seems that the only option I have left is to sell my life’s greatest possessions.

Fuck.

This hurts like a bitch.

My favorite things will soon belong to someone else and there is no other option for me.

I need a sugar daddy.

What’s a little something strange for some change?

When all I have to do is pretend that the worst isn’t happening.

…Pretend that my mother isn’t rolling over in her grave.

Fuck.

And there isn’t anyone to call.

There never is.

My brothers all have lives and we don’t even speak.

So many regrets happen when shit hits the fan.

I have sooo entirely much on my plate and no solution in sight.

And all I can think of is when all the boys told me I had a pretty mouth.

Maybe some man will want pay me to use it.

I never dreamed of being like this.

My mother will roll over in her grave.

Fuck.