Mom.

Mom,

I tried to call you last night.

I nearly had a heart attack, as I frantically searched every book in our house for a number with your name,

And it wasn’t until the sun slept and the moon awakened that I realized,

Heavens number isn’t in the yellow pages,

And your old cell number is disconnected too,

And no matter how many times I call the operator ,

She wont connect me to “My mommy.”

So I sat there..

Staring at the four walls that have transformed from my sanctuary to my hell

Listening to the old church songs that no longer lift my spirit

Because how can songs lift a spirit that is in pieces?

Mom,

Your scent is no longer in your clothes

And those pictures of you and I smiling as if there is no more happiness in the world to attain

Have faded

And every object that you once touched so freely,

Has been packed into boxes with no name,

The sound from the tape sealing them shut made me cry,

The movers came and no matter how much I pleaded and begged,

They still would not resist in taking all I had left of you away

So mom,

I grabbed my jacket.

Running fast as I could and ignoring the pain that my deep breaths caused.

Ignoring the stares of school aged children sitting with their mothers and fathers,

I ran faster than I ever have.

Because mom ,

They are taking all that’s left of you in small brown boxes to the ends of the earth

And so to the ends of the earth I will travel to be with you,

Mom.

                                                                                               

I Want To Be In Love

I want to be in love...again
For real this time.
I mean no bullshit or holding shit back .
I mean,
I really want to be in love.
I want to get those butterflies in my stomach,
And have those thoughts of passionate love making after a perfect date.
I want to smile at something I remember you saying days ago.
I want to be okay with wearing my favorite socks with the holes in them around you,
because you like them just as much I do.
I want to be in love...
I want to have those one and two month anniversaries celebrating the first time you made me smile at something silly,
And hold hands while waiting in line for a movie.
I want to smile more times than I cry.
And I want to know that you’re ok with me not being stitched together perfectly at the seams.
I want to be in love with someone who wants to
be with me just as much as i want to be with them.
It is love that I will forever be in pursuit of.
 
                                                   

Empty Spaces

Our space seems so empty.
Filled with nothing except two cups of chilled coffee.
Mine with all the fixings...complicated even,
And yours black...straight forward and unchanged.
No aromas float intertwining into one,
Those days have been long since forgotten.
And the heat that made us jump from a mere touch?
...well its no longer there.
there's nothing fascinating about us
anymore.
I no longer love you .
Not because I no longer love you,
But because you no longer love me.
And well...you won’t know the extent of my pain if I don't equal the playing field.
Our space seems so empty,
And yet its filled with everything I’ve ever felt for you.
All those “I love you’s” and “You complete me’s”,
Crowd the air like a gang of clouds right before a storm.
Mesmerizing even.
And yet you don’t get it
you never did I suppose.
you never loved me.
And you never will know how much I wish you did.