Ersatz

And no matter how much I try

I just cannot seem to master the New York accent

Two and a half years and still…Maryland wont let me go

My scarlet letter shows every time I open my mouth.

God.

Will I ever be cool?

These tattoos aren’t getting me the type of guys… who like girls with tattoos.

This isn’t what I was hoping for.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

And when the hell did 26 happen?

Where’s the ring, house and kids that are supposed to be fulfilling my life?

This rented room, doesn’t even count as an apartment.

Fuck.

I should’ve foreseen all of this.

All those school suspensions were for a reason.

I’m a fuck up.

No wonder fuck is my favorite word.

And praying for better is moot.

I can’t pull myself up by my bootstraps,

I’m starting to think that, that’s a requirement.

But I don’t own boots.

Not even Uggs,

Fuck.

This has to be my karma.

But taking my mother away from me was a bit much.

I’m sure I wouldn’t be this much of a fuck up.

I never thought I would be “that” sibling

The one that becomes a screw-up.

And the sad truth is,

I’d rather stay in New York, broke,

Than go back to Maryland.

Where people I don’t even know, will know for certain,

that I am a failure.

January 2nd

Mom,

I keep disappointing god.

The guilt,

A constant strong hold.

Is this how dad felt with his demons?

And my struggle with coffee has only gotten worse.

I seem to need just as much at 3 a.m as I do at 7.

Tell me I’m just being dramatic,

And that these cigarette butts aren’t the beginning of another

Addiction.

Another romance, with something that can’t hold me at night,

Or kiss my lips,

These... wanting to be kissed lips.

And the swearing has gotten worse

Fuck, is my new favorite word.

So is Jesus Christ,

Fuck.

Jesus Christ, I hate this feeling.

I can’t seem to form a coherent way to describe my emotions.

And its officially January 2^nd ,

Which means I wasted the first day of the new year.

Story of my life.

Fuck.